When I was a child (“Little Naddie”), I always struggled to express myself fully. I desperately wanted to be heard. Mostly I felt deeply misunderstood. Frustrated. Like an overfilled teapot boiling over on the kitchen stove. I had uncontrollable bouts of anger. I had temper tantrums; at home and sometimes at the most unexpected moments at school or in public. I used to fight with my father. I’d trigger his anger unexpectedly, and got shouted at and out of fear would run to my room and hide under my bed. My nervous system would be fully activated in fright mode. I’d cower in my own shame and fear. I felt unsafe to be me. To unleash my fullest self. To speak my truth without fear. I’d be told I need to apologize. So, I would drag myself in front of my father to say “I’m sorry”. To speak an untruth. To apologize for myself. I learned to dull myself. Interestingly, at this age I also suffered regularly from throat infections and chronic tonsillitis. In Chakra speak, the throat chakra is the body’s communication hub; it’s associated with self-expression; with self value; with being heard. And so, without being conscious of it, the journey of my “lost voice” started from a young age.
Fast forward years later, as an adult, I was diagnosed with a very rare tumour called a Schwannoma, the size of a small golf ball, nestled in my throat. So, without getting too sciency, let me give you a little context into this. A Schwannoma is a rare type of a tumour (benign, but dangerous) that forms in the nervous system. It is caused by the Scchwann cells mutating. These cells are are meant to protect and support the nerve cells. My tumour, while benign, was very dangerous. It had formed on my vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is the main aspect of the parasympathetic nervous system; a network of nerves that relaxes your body after periods of stress or danger. It also oversees a vast array of crucial bodily functions, including control of mood, immune response, digestion, and heart rate. So, basically – super important.
In Chakra speak, the throat chakra is the body’s communication hub; it’s associated with self-expression; with self value; with being heard. And so, without being conscious of it, the journey of my “lost voice” started from a young age.”
The period in my life when I was being diagnosed, having surgery and then recovering was one of the most difficult periods in my life. Physically, I was weak. I had strange symptoms post-surgery (my nerve had been damaged in the process of removing the tumour). And I lost my voice. It seemed that through this process, my vocal chord had been irreparably damaged. So, yes I literally lost my voice.
I’ve spent years digging deep to understand the connection between my literal throat / vocal chord trauma and my inability to express my truth. But it was only during a medicine journey, that I felt I could truly see how deeply this wound had been embedded into my body. I had asked the medicine to show me why I had struggle so much with stress. With my nervous system. Constant mental fatigue and dips in my physical energy. And it took me back to that moment of the little version of myself. The one hiding under the bed. The one terrified and apologizing for being herself. The one having to show up as an adult when her father could not. I realized that that my body and parts of myself were still stuck in that moment. And I had to remind myself that I am safe. I am safe in my body. I am safe to be me. I can unleash my fullness out into the world. I don’t have to apologize or dull any part of me. All parts of me are welcome. That in itself was healing.
“By befriending that which scares us we can find our own wisdom”
It was so interesting to me when I felt the calling to go study Ayahuasca and the Master plants in the jungle, because one of the key aspects of holding ceremonies is singing. I had to face my physical and spiritual “injury” head-on and heal this part of myself, emotionally and also physically getting back in touch with my own voice and finding ways to thrive with my damaged vocal chord. And the process continues.
There are so many learnings I’ve gained from this . One of the most important is to really understand that our body is speaking to us all the time. It has a deep inner intelligence. Sometimes we think “my throat is hurting”, let me medicate. Let me fix it. We get annoyed with our body because we’re busy and need to get on with it. But in that moment, something profound is happening. The body is speaking to us. We don’t always have the tools to listen. We don’t have the language to connect to our body’s teachings. But when we do, we can heal.
If this is resonating and you’re interested in learning more, connect with me. And also some books that I’d highly recommend on this topic: When the Body Says No – Dr. Gabor Maté and The Body Keeps The Score | Bessel van der Kolk, MD.